TO THE STRONGEST WOMAN I KNOW

STRENGTH IS NOT STRONG ENOUGH OF A WORD TO DESCRIBE YOU.  THE DEFINITION OF COURAGE DOESN’T COMPARE TO THE INNER ABILITY OF A POWERFUL SOUL.  NOTHING IS MORE PREVALENT THAN THE LOVE OF A MOTHER. LOVE IS NOT EVEN STRONG ENOUGH OF A WORD TO DESCRIBE THE EVERYTHING THAT COMPILES ELIZABETH. 

 

THE MEANING OF THE NAME ELIZABETH MEANS- THE OATH OF FULLNESS OF GOD.  YOU MAY BE KNOWN AS BUFFY, BUT YOUR PARENTS WERE SO RIGHT TO NAME YOU SUCH MEANINGFUL NAME.  THEY MUST HAVE FELT THAT YOU WOULD BE SO SPIRITUAL, LOVING AND FULL OF GOD.

YOU ARE TRULY ONE OF A KIND MISS BUFFALINA KEVERINA.  I KNOW THAT LIFE HAS THROWN US IN TO LEFT FIELD, RIGHT FIELD, CENTER COURT, OFF THE CURB, OVER THE HEDGE AND UNDER THE BRIDGE. BUT WE ALWAYS MANAGE TO FIND THE WAY IN EACH OTHERS HEART. 

 

 WE HAVE NEVER PARTED IN THAT MANNER.  I THINK OF YOU OFTEN EVEN IF I DON’T SHOW IT.  I THINK IT’S SO MUCH EASIER FOR ME TO DISTANCE MYSELF AWAY FROM ALL THE REALITIES OF MY EXISTENCE AT TIMES.  IT MAKES IT EASIER TO BE AWAY WHEN I DON’T HAVE TO REMIND MYSELF OF EVERYTHING THAT I’M MISSING.  I REMEMBER WHEN WE WERE IN HIGH SCHOOL AND WE WERE INSEPARABLE EVEN THOUGH WE HAD OUR OWN THINGS GOING ON. 

 

I REMEMBER SITTING IN YOUR ROOM SINGING BRANDY AND MONICA’S THE BOY IS MINE, AND ANTHONY HELPING DECIDE WHICH ONE SHOULD SING WHICH PART.  I REMEMBER YOU BEING THERE FOR ME NO MATTER WHAT AND WITHOUT JUDGEMENT, DURING A PRETTY DESPERATE AND DIFFICULT TIME IN HIGH SCHOOL LIFE. 

 I REMEMBER YOU TELLING ME YOU LOVE AND SUPPORT ME NO MATTER WHAT I DECIDED TO DO.  I REMEMBER JUMPING ON THE TRAMP AT YOUR MOM AND DADS AND EATING SUNDAY ROAST.  I REMEMBER WHEN YOU LEFT COLLEGE TO HEAD BACK HOME AND I WAS SO WORRIED ABOUT WHAT I WAS GONNA DO WITHOUT YOU, EVEN IF I DID HAVE RYAN TO HANG OUT WITH. 

 

I REMEMBER THINKING HOW JEALOUS I WAS OF HOW SUPER SMART AND AMAZING AT EVERYTHING YOU DO.  I REMEMBER THINKING THAT WOMAN IS GONNA MAKE A DIFFERENCE IN THE WORLD AND I ONLY HOPE I COULD BE HALF AS GOOD AS HER. 

 

I REMEMBER THINKING HOW INCREDIBLY BRAVE YOU WERE TO MOVE AWAY FROM HOME FOR ANTHONY TO PURSUE COLLEGE IN ANOTHER STATE WITH YOUR LITTLE FAMILY. 

 

 I REMEMBER ALWAYS THINKING HOW DID TWO POLAR OPPOSITES BECOME SUCH GOOD FRIENDS, YOU THE OCD NEAT FREAK AND ME THE MESSY STRESS WOMAN.

I REMEMBER ALWAYS BEING ENVIOUS OF YOUR IMPERFECT LIFE, BECAUSE THAT MEANT THAT I HAD A CHANCE TO GET THERE ONE DAY.  I REMEMBER THINKING THAT NO MATTER HOW STRONG LOVE IS, SOMETIMES SOMETHINGS BREAK AND NO MATTER WHAT, I WOULD BE THERE FOR YOU TO THE END. 

 

THEN I REMEMBER THINKING, THANK GOD LOVE CAN STAY THE COURSE AND YOU AND ANTHONY ENDURED THROUGH.  I’M SO THANKFUL THAT YOU TWO HAVE STAYED THE COURSE. IT MAKES ME BELIEVE IN LOVE AGAIN.

I REMEMBER THAT I RECEIVED THAT ONE CALL THAT CHANGED THE LIVES OF EVERYONE, AND WHEN I MEAN EVERYONE, THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT I MEAN.   EVERYONE..KYA EMBODIED THE PURE GRACE OF LOVE, SHE IS A TRUE EXAMPLE OF HEAVEN. 

 

I DON’T KNOW HOW YOU DO IT WOMAN.  SPEECHLESS, I DON’T THINK I WOULD HAVE EVER BEEN HALF AS STRONG AS YOU WERE DURING THAT DIFFICULT PERIOD, AND I KNOW IT WILL NEVER GET EASIER, IT JUST GETS LESS HARD.  I ENVY THAT STRENGTH YOU HAVE.  I BROKE DOWN IN A COUNTRY WITH NO ONE TO BE COMFORTED BY AND YET ALL I WANTED TO DO WAS BE THERE WITH YOU. 

 

 

IT’S KIND OF SELFISH OF ME TO THINK, BUT I JUST WANTED TO BE THERE WHEN YOU WOKE UP AND COMFORT YOU.  I KNEW THAT I WOULDN’T KNOW WHAT TO SAY OR WHAT TO DO AND I KNEW I WOULDN’T NECESSARILY BE THE ONE YOU NEEDED AT THAT MOMENT, BUT I REALLY JUST WANTED TO BE THERE TO HOLD YOUR HAND. 

 

EVEN WHEN I DID GET BACK, I DIDN’T KNOW HOW TO ACT, SIMPLY BECAUSE YOU PUT ON THIS STRONG FRONT, AND YOU BROKE DOWN VERY SUBTLE TO ME.  I’M NOT EVEN SURE IF YOU AND I HAVE HAD OUR ULTIMATE MELTDOWN YET.  I CAN TELL YOU THIS; I’M DOING A PRETTY GOOD JOB OF THAT MELT DOWN AS I WRITE THIS. 

 

 I LOVE YOU WOMAN, YOU REALLY ARE MY HERO.  I KNOW THAT WE WILL ALWAYS HAVE EACH OTHER THAT WILL NEVER CHANGE. WHAT WILL CHANGE, AND THERE IS NO IF AND BUTS ABOUT IT.  DINNER EVERY OTHER WEEK AT EACH OTHER’S HOUSES.  WE WILL DO THIS.  MAYBE IT’S ME BEING SELFISH, BUT I NEED IT.  I NEED YOU.

I HOPE YOU HAVE THE MOST SPECIAL DAY TODAY.  I KNOW CHRISTMAS WILL NEVER BE THE SAME WITHOUT KYA, BUT SHE IS THERE SMILING OVER YOU ALL.  SHE SENT YOU A BEAUTIFUL LITTLE MAN THAT I CAN’T WAIT TO MEET.  HE TRULY HAS A BIT OF HER IN HIM; I CAN SEE IT IN HIS EYES.

ANTHONY, THANK YOU FOR LOVING MY MOST AMAZINGLY BEAUTIFUL BEST FRIEND, SHE DESERVES THE WORLD AND YOU CAN GIVE IT TO HER AND I KNOW YOU DO EVERYDAY. 

 

I LOVE YOU FOR LOVING HER.  SHE IS MORE AMAZING THAN MOST, BUT I’M SURE YOU ALREADY KNOW THAT.

I LOVE YOU

BUFFY

MERRY CHRISTMAS

 

Your NOT my Person, YOUR MY SISTER

Yea!!!!! You’re not my Person.  You are my Sister.  I have been blessed with so many people in my life that are individually important to me and I just wanted you to know how much you mean to me TODAY.  Merry Christmas you crazy ass woman. 

 

You have been a very significant part of my life for some years now and I’m very fortunate to call you my Amazing Friend.  It’s a lovely day here in Pristina, Kosovo.  The sun is shining, the coffee is so tasty and I get to spread words across the world to Massachusetts.  So having said that:

 

I know this woman who has the craziest, most wicked amazing legs, and that’s not even the best part of her, but very worthy of mentioning nonetheless. 

 

She has the most amazing laugh, the kind that can really pull you out of the crappiest mood and make you forget why you were in that mood in the first place. 

She has the most tender touch while brushing the hair of her favorite little Tucker Grace.  She has the softest spirit, the kind that makes you want to believe in miracles and even in magic. 

 

 She makes you feel good about yourself by just a glance she gives you.  She is so amazing at listening and rarely cuts your reality down with honesty, but she will give you the most honest answer that you really already knew, but still needed to hear. 

 She only judges those who judge but doesn’t let you get away with the harsh words you say without giving you a piece of her mind in the most wicked way. 

 

She is brutally funny and stupidishly silly.  She makes you feel good about yourself by her ability to be herself.  I love this amazing woman.  She has taught me so much about being REAL.  She has taught me so much about Humility and honesty. 

 

She has taught me how to look at the bigger picture, the goals, the future, the beginning of a new.  She has taught me to be myself again, something that I forgot how to be for so long. 

 

 

She has made me realize that not everything in life will fall apart and that it is OK to crumble at times. 

 

She made me really look in the mirror and want to change the ugliness inside of myself. 

 

I’m a better mother because of Kristina, funny since she doesn’t even have any children yet, however she has every ounce of her own Mother in her and that is why she is so motherly herself. 

I love you Kris, Merry Christmas; I hope you and your family have an amazing Day.  You mean the world to me and I just wanted you to know.

 

I have so many strong women in my life that have made me who I am, and I’m extremely fortunate to have so many of them. 

 Today though, I wanted to let you know Kristina that you are not my Person, because you are more importantly my Sister.

 

Today Kris, your Christmas gift, are my words, the words from my heart and soul and honestly, it’s the best gift I could ever give you, because it’s raw, true and so very REAL.   

 

 PS give your amazing MOM a hug from me and tell her Thank you from me for raising such an amazing Woman.

 

she deserves to know that she is a tremendously strong woman who did everything right with you and your Siblings.

Love you

woman,

really love

you!

 

 

 

 

I'm feeling U2 Today

I am in one of those amazing moods that trigger the writing beast. The only problem with the writing beast is that it is completely uncontrollable and I may just spew out rambling thoughts. Which for most of you that know me pretty much understand that it is completely normal? Today I woke up in a determined mood to just wake up and eat a waffle. Pretty simple nothing crazy to it, but determined I was. You see I could have totally slept in and just savored the slow to get up day, but part of me did not want to waste the day as we so often do on our days off. The fresh juice and waffle put me in a simple kind of mood that translated into having a U2 kind of day.

 

I have always loved the band U2 and I believe that no matter what song, anyone can put certain things in their life in perspective just by listening.

 

I have found plenty of inspiration from many musical geniuses, I mean Bono says it as clear as can be: Every artist is a cannibal, every poet is a thief. All kill their inspiration and sing about their grief

 

Isn’t that so true? Don’t we all do that? we hear a particular song and it takes us back to a memory. More times than not, it reminds us of the memories we don’t always want to remember.

We have glances at the memories that are everlasting though, we get to keep those private, secluded, and maybe that is why they are not always so prevalent to anyone else. Those are the memories that matter the most. Not the memories that we thought would ever define us, we do that on our own. No matter where you are in life you will always get through.  if you are holding on to a hope, then you truly aren't living for you.  I know that i will get through my life with or without you. (whoever that you may be) and i will be far better than before knowing that i can do anything i want to without the limitations of myself or anyone else. 

One of the greatest songs written was “I still haven’t found what I’m looking for” it depicts such a beautiful message of love, but not just love. It is about the courage to find love, digging deep to find what you’re looking for.

It doesn’t have to be the love for your Soul mate, it’s so powerful to the message of love, that it can represent so many loves. Searching for the love of God, searching for the love of another, searching for the love of forgiveness,

regardless it’s so meaningful to so many people, because they will always be looking for that one thing that they haven’t found.

 “One love but were not the same, we get to carry each other, carry each other.”

If you dig into the humanity aspect of life, you could easily relate to the song “One,” to acknowledging that we are more than just a number, We may not be the same, but we can be there for each other no matter what. Others can relate it to a loved one within a loss or broken heart. Whatever the interpretation is, I feel like it is just a poetic way of saying, we need to stick together and fight for what we want within each other.

You can look at it a couple of different ways, you can be separate like a finger or together like a hand.

I used to be so in love with the song “ A man and a woman,” it helped me get through the questions about love and loss, but also made me come to the conclusion that, “

You can run from love
And if it's really love it will find you
Catch you by the heel
But you can't be numb for love
The only pain is to feel nothing at all
When the soul wants the Soul waits

 

I love those words, if you really think about it, love works in mysterious ways and always catches you off guard. You never really can expect the unexpected no matter how much you want to prepare yourself.

Which is why I have probably been single for almost 4 years now, I guess I am just not ready for anything to come along yet. (However, if you do in fact know who my Mr. Bizarro Reality Just Right For Hayley is, could you please guide him a little faster in my direction, I’m pretty sure, it’s time for me.)

 

You're packing a suitcase for a place none of us has been,
A place that has to be believed to be seen."
- Walk On

These past couple of years has been struggles for many, a struggle to love, a struggle just to get by, a struggle to survive or in just one word: live. I have seen my fair share of loved ones leave unexpectedly and it never gets easier to deal with. I feel for every person who has lost a loved one this year or any year for that matter.

I will always cherish the big Teddy bears, that gave everyone significant love and was the kindest of bears (TJ) I will never forget my goofy dance moves of pure entertainment with my always wanna be boyfriend Tony. I will never forget the voice that carried the wings of angels that Lisa could project. I will never forget the sacrifices that my Military friends gave, the love they had for their country and the camaraderie that they built. (Denz, Lardy, Stewart) I will never forget my Italian Bro, the only person to read my book front to back and give me so much shit, because he didn’t understand the humor of Americans. I will never forget his amazing smile and the way he made me laugh. (Andrea Coppa)

 

Some things happen unexpectedly, some happen with no warning and some can be seen miles away, and yet we still cannot prevent the loss of those around us. Life is way too short, tomorrow is never promised and people will leave without notice. I have never felt so disconnected from my friends at a time of loss then I have felt being this far away. I have never felt loss so close to me as I have felt here in Kosovo. Although you can’t help those who chose to end their own life, you can’t help but wonder what could I have done to help this.

In reality there often isn’t much that you can do to prevent the decision someone makes in the end. All we can do is love them through their pain and make them realize that life will get better. Love them through their wounds, be there for them, LISTEN to them while actually hearing what they say. Be the Friend, the lover, the companion of their safekeeping. Be THERE; simply be THERE.

I will never fully understand the choices some of my dear friends made, but I will make sure to continue to love them through their pain in the hereafter. I will always think of my free birds with a smile and not a frown, because no matter how they left this world, whether by the hands of god or the hands of themselves. they will never leave my heart.

"Grace, she's got the walk
Not on a ramp or on chalk
She's got the time to talk
She travels outside of karma
She travels outside of karma
When she goes to work
You can hear her strings
Grace finds beauty in everything"- I love this song

 

I remember listening to the album “How to dismantle an Atomic Bomb,” when the album first came out in Nov 2004. I remember that album pretty good, I remember that a pretty cool guy named Ben bought me the album and gave it to me on November 30^th, when he gave it to me he said Happy November 30^th. For no other reason than to give me a gift of music,

it was of the most memorable gifts I have ever received. I believe that I hold it near and dear to my heart for not only the gesture, but also where I first listened to the song “Grace”I instantly fell in love with the idea of the word Grace.

I decided that if I were to ever have a daughter I would put Grace somewhere in her name. The lyrics are so descriptive of a beautiful word, an action, a gesture, a name of girl. It is so profound, amazing, and perfect for the little woman that would come into my life. I knew that the song would change my life, and it has indeed succeeded in being a foundation for the existence of love within a child.

Regardless of the mood, you are in. Regardless of the demeanor in which you choice to be today, Regardless if you have had one hell of a day, remember that you are in the presence of that day, and my hell, what a beautiful day it is.. Think about it. Beauty surrounds all of us all the time; we may not see it, if we chose to be blinded by the haze. Appreciate the little things, live for all the moments no matter how small or exaggerated it is. Live for you. In the words of u2:

It was a beautiful day
Beautiful day
don’t let it get away

Touch me, take me to that other place
Reach me, I know

I'm not a hopeless case