I'm Not Sure

BUT I’M READY

 

I CAN’T WAIT TO MEET ME

Well she wants to be the queen and
then she thinks about her scene
Well she wants to live her life
then she thinks about her life
Pulls her hair back as she screams
"I don't really wanna be the queen"

TRAIN..

 

I DON’T’REALLY WANT TO BE THE QUEEN, I JUST WANT TO LIVE MY LIFE. I’V GROWN A LOT THIS PAST YEAR, I’VE LEARNED A LOT AND I’VE CRIED A LOT. YES ME CRY, NO SURPRISES HERE.

BUT I’M READY TO LEARN THE LIFE THAT HAS A NAME AND I WONT BE SCARED TO START THAT LIFE. BIG THINGS ARE HAPPENING IN FRONT OF MY EYES, NEW PROMOTION, NEW JOB, NEW HOME, NEW LIFE, NEW BODY, NEW OUTLOOK, NEW BUT OLD ME.

THAT’S RIGHT, I CAN’T LET EVERYTHING ABOUT ME BE NEW, I STILL HAVE TO BE ME. I’M LOOKING FORWARD TO DOING MY SPARTAN RACE WITH MISS WOODS, TO PROVE TO MYSELF THAT IT IS OR ISN’T HARDER THAN THE TOUGH MUDDER THAT I’VE ALREADY ACCOMPLISHED,

I’M LOOKING FORWARD TO RUNNING A MARATHON WITH KIMBERLEY AS SHE RUNS HER’S IN ENGLAND.

I LOOK FORWARD TO MY NIGHTLY RUN THROUGH A NEIGHBORHOOD AND NOT A TRACK INSIDE A MILTARY INSTATLLATION. I LOOK FORWARD TO RUNNING IN THE RAIN THAT SMELLS LIKE RAIN AND NOT BURNT PLASTIC AND RAIN.

 

I LOOK FORWARD TO GETTING DRESSED UP LIKE A GIRL. I LOOK FORWARD TO GETTING OUT OF THE OLD ROUTINE OF WORK, HOME, DINNER, BED.

INSTEAD I WANT IT TO BE MORE FOCUSED ON EVERYTHING TUCKER, EVERYTHING ELSE TAKES A BACK SEAT AND EVEN THOUGH EVERYTHING ABOUT THE OLD ROUTINE INVOLVED TUCKER, I WANT IT TO BE MORE FOCUSED ON HER THAN IT ALREADY WAS.

I WANT TO STAY AWAY FROM THE TOXINS THAT TAKE OVER MY COMFORTS. I WANT TO ENJOY THE SIMPLE CUP OF COFFEE WITH NO RESERVATIONS FOR WHAT COULD POSSIBLY HAPPEN THAT DAY.

I JUST WANT TO BREATHE IN AND OUT AND REALLY ENJOY THE MOMENTS. I WANT TO WRITE MORE, FINISH THE BOOK MY AMAZING STUDENTS COMPLETED THAT I WAS SUPPOSE TO DO ON THIS DEPLOYMENT, EVEN THOUGH I CLEARLY FOCUSED MORE ON ME INSTEAD OF THOSE STORIES.

I WILL FINISH WHAT THEY STARTED, IT’S NOT IN ME TO LET GO OF THIS AMAZING IDEA. I WANT TO GROW MY HAIR OUT, REALLY LONG, AND NOT CUT IT FOR THE SAKE OF SOMETHING TRULY DIFFERENT.

I’VE DONE PRETTY GOOD SO FAR, NOW I JUST NEED TO REALLY HOLD ON TO THE GOAL. I ALWAYS SEEM TO TALK MYSELF INTO CUTTING IT BACK TO THE A-LINE. WELL NO MORE. I WANT TO NOT ONLY LOOK YOUNGER, I WANT TO FEEL YOUNGER.

I WANT TO WIPE AWAY THE YEARS ON MY FACE WITH MORE SMILES. I WANT TO LAUGH MORE, EVEN THOUGH WE ALL KNOW THAT INVOLVES THE HIDEOUS SNORT.

I WANT TO SIT ON MY BOAT AT SUNSET AND REALLY TAKE IN WHAT THE DAY HAS BROUGHT ME. I WANT TO FEEL MORE THAN THE SUN SHINE ON ME WHEN I’M OUT FOR THE DAY.

I WANT TO BE OUT FOR THE DAY MORE. I SAY I’M NOT SURE BUT I’M READY, BUT I THINK I’M MORE SURE OF WHAT I WANT THEN WHAT I DON’T WANT. I’M JUST NOT SURE HOW TO REALLY REACH FOR EVERYTHING.

I WANT TO REALLY BE HAPPY. I WANT TO FIND THAT AMAZING OTHER HALF, THE ONE THAT CAN REALLY LOOK AT ME IN ALL MY GLORY AND STILL LOVE ME.

I WANT TO SEE A POSSIBILITY OF A CHANCE. I BELIEVE I’M IN FACT READY FOR THE CHALLENGE. I WANT TO VOLUNTEER MORE FOR THE FEELING I GET THAN FOR THE REASON FOR DOING IT.

I WANT TO BE A BETTER MOMMY FOR MY BABY GIRL, WHO ISN’T A LITTLE BABY GIRL ANYMORE. I CAN’T BELIEVE HOW MUCH SHE HAS GROWN THIS PAST YEAR.

I CANT WAIT TO HAVE THOSE LITTLE ARGUMENTS WITH HER, SIMPLY TO MAKE UP FOR THE LACK OF INTERACTION I HAVE HAD WITH HER THIS PAST YEAR. I WANT TO RUN AROUND AND LET HER PICK MY OUTFITS AND DO MY HAIR AND NOT CARE WHAT ANYONE THINkS, BECAUSE SHE IS THE ONLY OPINION THAT MATTERS TO ME.

 

 I WANT TO BE MORE INVOLVED IN MY FRIENDS LIVES, BUT WANT THEM TO UNDERSTAND THAT WE ARE ALL SELFISH FOR WANTING TO FOCUS ON OURSELVES FOR A BIT, AND THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT. I WANT TO RECONNECT. REALLY RECONNECT.

 

I WANT TO GET ALL DRESSED UP FOR MY BIRTHDAY DINNER THIS YEAR JUST TO TURN AROUND AFTER A WONDERFULLY FANCY DINNER AND GO TO A PODUNK BAR TO REMIND OF THAT WE ARE JUST THE SAME AS EVERYONE ELSE.

 NO DIFFERENCE AND DEFINETLY NOT BETTER THAN ANYONE ELSE. I WANT TO HAVE A GIRLS SLEEP OVER WITH WINE, AND GOSSIP, AND APPLES TO APPLES OF COURSE. I WANT TO SPEND MORE TIME WITH MYSELF IN ORDER TO GET TO KNOW MYSELF BETTER. I WANT MORE FOR MYSELF THAN I HAVE ALLOWED MYSELF TO BE.

I WANT MORE THAN WHAT I THINK I’M WORTH, I WANT MORE THAN I THINK I DESERVE. I WANT MORE AND BECAUSE I WANT MORE, I WILL HAVE

MORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

 

Where has the Year Gone???????????????????????? Wait, I just blinked and I'm into my New Life

EVERY YEAR, WE ALWAYS DO THE SAME THING AROUND THE BEGINNING OF THE NEW YEAR.  WE MAKE PROMISES TO OURSELVES AND ALWAYS BREAK THEM.  WELL AT LEAST WE BREAK THE MAJORITY OF THEM.  WE ALWAYS HAVE THIS IDEA IN OUR HEAD ABOUT HOW WE WANT THE NEXT YEAR TO BE LIKE. 

 

 WE HAVE IMAGES OF NEW ADVENTURES, NEW LOVES, NEW LIVES AND MOSTLY NEW BEGINNINGS.  HOWEVER WE USUALLY DON’T TAKE INTO CONSIDERATION ABOUT ALL OF THE MISHAPS THAT COME INTO PLAY.  DON’T GET ME WRONG, WE TRY TO COUNTERACT ANY TROUBLE HEADED OUR WAY WITH SOME ELABORATE DIVERSION, BUT SOMEHOW IT CATCHES UP WITH US IN THE LONG ROAD.  AND EVEN THOUGH WE TRY AND TRY TO DIVERT THE TROUBLE, WE CAN’T SEEM TO SHAKE THAT DAMN THING OFF OUR LEG.  BUT THE ULTIMATE PARADOX FOR THAT, IS IT ALLOWS US TO LEARN AND GROW INTO THE POSITION OR PERSON WE ARE ALWAYS MEANT TO BE. 

 

YOU CAN’T STOP FATE IN MY OPINION, YOU MIGHT BE ABLE TO TWEAK IT A LITTLE BUT HONESTLY JUST A LITTLE.  I HAVE LEARNED SO MUCH THIS YEAR AND I HOPE I NEVER TAKE 2013 FOR GRANITE.  I WOULD NEVER WANT TO RE-DUE THIS YEAR EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I LOVED SO MANY ASPECTS OF IT EVEN IF THERE WERE SOME SHITTY PARTS TO IT. 

 

I MISSED OUT ON SO MANY OPPORTUNITIES WITH MY DAUGHTER AND THEN AGAIN I GAINED SO MANY MEMORIES WITH HER OVER THE PAST COUPLE OF WEEKS, THAT I MAY NOT HAVE BEEN ABLE TO DO FOR A LONG TIME. 

I AM VERY BLESSED TO HAVE BEEN FORTUNATE ENOUGH TO MAKE THAT HAPPEN.

 

I LEARNED THAT NO MATTER WHERE YOU GO, YOU WILL ALWAYS LEAVE YOUR MARK.  YOU LEAVE A LITTLE TRACE OF WHO YOU ARE, OR WHO YOU WERE BEHIND.  EVEN IF YOU DON’T REALIZE IT, YOU ABSOLUTELY DO.  I LOVE KNOWING THAT I WILL BE REMEMBER EVEN IF IT IS ONLY FOR MY SNORTING LAUGH.

 

I LEARNED THAT LIFE DOES IN FACT GO ON WITH OR WITHOUT YOU.  PEOPLE GROW UP, KIDS GRADUATE PRESCHOOL AND YOU HONESTLY CAN’T DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT, SO STRESSING ABOUT THE OPPORTUNITIES MISSED, PREVENTS YOU FROM CREATING NEW MEMORIES.

 

I LEARNED THAT LIFE IS SO VERY SPECIAL AND TAKING IT FOR LESS THAN WHAT IS IT (BEAUTIFUL) IS FOOLISH.  YOU SHOULD ALWAYS COUNT YOUR BLESSING AND TELL THOSE YOU LOVE NO MATTER HOW DIFFICULT IT MAY BE.  NEVER ASSUME THAT A MIRACLE ISN’T POSSIBLE, NEVER ASSUME THAT SURVIVAL ISN’T AN OPTION.  WE ALL LEARNED THAT LOVE AND STRENGTH CAN BRING BACK THE LIFE OF A VERY PRECIOUS ONE, NO MATTER HOW INSANE THE ODDS ARE.  REBECCA YOU ARE AND ALWAYS HAVE BEEN OUR MIRACLE.  I’M SO VERY THANKFUL THAT I GET TO HUG YOU WHEN I GET HOME.

 

I LEARNED THAT PREPARING YOUR DAUGHTER FOR A DEPLOYMENT IS ENTIRELY IMPOSSIBLE.  IT WILL NEVER WORK OUT THE WAY YOU WANT IT TO, SIMPLY BECAUSE OF THOSE UNEXPECTED CURVE BALLS YOU GET THROWN AT YOU. SOOOOOO REMEMBER TO PROTECT YOUR CHILDREN FROM WHAT YOU DO KNOW IS EXPECTED AND GIVE THEM SO MUCH LOVE THAT IT HELPS WITH THE SEPARATION, TALK TO YOUR CHILDREN, HUG THEM EVEN IF THEY DON’T WANT IT.  READ TO THEM, TAKE NAPS WITH THEM, UNLESS THEY ARE TOO OLD FOR NAPS. BUT COME ON, WHO IS TOO OLD FOR THAT. 

CELEBRATE THE EASTER BUNNY AS LONG AS YOU CAN.  MAKE LIFE FUN FOR YOUR BABIES, ONE DAY THEY WILL REMEMBER THAT MORE THAN REMEMBERING DIFFICULT MEMORIES.

 

CELEBRATE YOUR FRIENDS AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE.  EVEN IF YOU DON’T SEE THEM ALL THE TIME, MAKE TIME FOR THEM IN YOUR HEART.  TELL THEM HOW YOU FEEL, LET THEM KNOW WHEN THEY ARE BEING STUPID, TELL THEM THAT THINKING BEFORE DECIDING ON ANY DECISION IS BETTER THAN JUMPING IN THAT OCEAN OF CRAZINESS WITHOUT A LIFE RAFT.  DON’T LET THEM LOOK BACK AND SAY, WHY DIDN’T YOU TELL ME!!!  YOU WOULD WANT THE SAME FROM THEM, RIGHT?  I LOVE ALL MY FRIENDS, AND MAN I SURE HAVE SO MANY.  I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN BLESSED WITH AMAZING FRIENDS AND I INTEND TO KEEP THAT GOING THE REST OF MY LIFE.

 

APPRECIATE THE BEAUTY IN THE CREATION OF LIFE.  IT’S THE MOST SACRED THING YOU COULD DO WITH ANOTHER.  FORGET ABOUT ALL THE BULLSHIT THAT MAKES YOU CRAZY INSIDE.  FORGET THE REASON WHY YOU FIGHT, REMEMBER THE REASONS IN WHAT YOU FIGHT FOR INSTEAD.  LIFE IS SO VERY PRECIOUS.  STOP BICKERING ABOUT WHAT YOU DON’T DO FOR EACH OTHER AND REMEMBER WHAT YOU DO IN FACT DO FOR EACH OTHER.  CHILDREN ARE SO EASILY INFLUENCED AND ARGUING ABOUT THE LITTLE THINGS CREATES AN ENVIRONMENT THAT TURNS HOSTILE AND BELIEVE ME CHILDREN FEEL THAT.  LOVE ONE ANOTHER AND BE MATURE ENOUGH TO LOVE FOR THE CHILDREN.  NO, I'M NOT SAYING ONLY LOVE ONE ANOTHER FOR THE SAKE OF THE CHILDREN, JUST REMEMBER HOW YOU GOT WHERE YOU ARE IN LIFE- LOVE.. LOVE FOR THE CHILDREN

 

I LEARNED THAT LEADERSHIP COMES IN SO MANY DIFFERENT TYPES OF PEOPLE.  TYPES OF PEOPLE YOU NEVER THOUGHT YOU'D LEARN REAL LEADERSHIP FROM AND SOME PEOPLE YOU REALIZED DIDN’T DO SHIT FOR YOU OR THE GAINING OF LEADERSHIP SKILLS. I LEARNED SO MUCH FROM TWO MEN WHILE IN KOSOVO, MY COMMANDER, AND MY CSM. 

I AM VERY FORTUNATE TO HAVE BEEN AROUND THEM TO LEARN GOOD LEADERSHIP ATTRIBUTES.  ARE THEY PERFECT LEADERS, NO.  BUT NONE OF US ARE PERFECT.  I WAS REINTRODUCED TO THE TAKING CARE OF SOLDIERS CONCEPT IN LEADERSHIP..

I REALIZED THAT YOU NEED TO PUT OTHERS FIRST AND DEDICATE YOURSELF TO HELPING OTHERS GROW.  AS AN INSTRUCTOR, I HAVE ALWAYS PREACHED THIS, BUT I IN FACT BELIEVE IN THIS CONCEPT EVEN MORE. 

 I LEARNED TO KEEP MY MOUTH SHUT, AND IF YOU KNOW ME AND I MEAN REALLY KNOW ME, YOU KNOW THAT IS HARD FOR ME.  I LEARNED THAT NO MATTER WHAT, YOU ARE REALLY TRULY IN CHARGE OF YOUR OWN CAREER, BUT OTHERS HELP YOU REALIZE THE POTENTIAL YOU HAVE IN ORDER TO PROGRESS YOURSELF BETTER. I LEARNED………..

 

I LEARNED THAT HAVING SUPPORT AT HOME IS IN FACT KEY TO SURVIVAL, ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU RECEIVE THE CRAZIEST CARE PACKAGES WITH THE MOST BIZARRE ITEMS.  THE LESSON IS, IT DOES NOT MATTER WHAT YOU RECEIVED, IT IS THE POINT THAT SOMEONE THOUGHT OF MAKING YOU FEEL SOMETHING BY RECEIVING SOMETHING, AND MAKING ANOTHER PERSON FEEL IS SUCH A GREAT FEELING.  YOU CANT IMAGINE WHAT ITS LIKE TO GET A LETTER OR A PACKAGE, AND KNOW IT WAS SENT WITH FEELING.

IT IS AMAZING HOW MANY SUPPORTIVE AMERICAN’S HELP THE US TROOPS BY SENDING CARE PACKAGES.  WE HAVE BEEN BLESSED BY SO MANY LOCAL ORGANIZATIONS AND COMPANIES, WHICH SUPPORT THE TROOPS.  THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR SENDING MORE THAN A PACKAGE, THANK YOU FOR SENDING A FEELING.

I LEARNED THAT I NEVER WANT TO GO BACK TO THE FRUMPY WOMAN I HAVE BEEN IN THE LAST COUPLE OF YEARS.  I LEARNED THAT I IN FACT LIKE TO RUN, LIKE REALLY RUN.  NOT FAST, NOT CRAZY, JUST GET OFF MY ASS AND RUN. 

I LEARNED THAT WORKING FOR SOMETHING IS WORTH SO MUCH MORE THEN THE RESULTS IN THE END.  IT’S ABOUT DETERMINATION AND PROGRESS AND NEVER GIVING UP. 

BELIEVE ME THERE HAS BEEN QUITE A FEW BUMPS THAT HIT ME ON THIS DEPLOYMENT AND NO MATTER HOW LOW I GOT, I TRIED TO KEEP THINGS IN PERSPECTIVE (PIIP).  I WANT TO BE A BETTER ME FOR OTHERS, BUT MOST IMPORTANTLY BETTER FOR ME.  I’M NOT GOING BACK AND IF I START TO SLIP, SOMEONE PUNCH ME IN THE FACE WITH KNOWLEDGE TO REMIND ME THAT I’M WORTH MORE THAN MY OLD SELF.

 

I LEARNED THAT NOT EVERYONE WANTS TO BE LIKE ME AND THAT'S OK BY ME, BUT I DID LEARN THAT ONE SPECIAL LITTLE OLIVE ELLIE SURE LIKED EMULATING TO BE LIKE SUPERSTAR HAYLEY, SO I CAN’T LET HER DOWN BY NOT BEING THE SUPERSTAR THAT I AM.  ;-)

I LEARNED THAT MY NEW FRIENDS WILL ALWAYS BE OLD FRIENDS AND KEEPING IN TOUCH IS NECESSARY.  I LEARNED THAT I WILL ALWAYS CHERISH MY TIME IN KOSOVO AND I WILL ALWAYS CHERISH THE FRIENDSHIPS I HAVE MADE HERE.  THANK YOU FOR LETTING BE APART OF YOUR LIVES.

 

I LEARNED THAT 2014 IS GOING TO BE A YEAR OF UPS AND DOWNS, AND I HAVE NO RESERVATIONS ABOUT PREDICTING MORE THAN WHAT WILL HAPPEN, ONCE I CLOSE MY EYES AT NIGHT.  I CAN ONLY HOPE FOR THE BEST 2014 AS POSSIBLE FOR TUCKER AND I. 

I CANNOT WAIT TO SEE WHAT IS IN STORE FOR US. 

 

 

 

 

 

IT IS A NEW YEAR AND A NEW LIFE AND I’M READY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!