This is a blog years
in the making, and when I say years I am talking 10+. I have always had a quirky sense of reality,
one in which included my own sense of flare.
One that carried me through the most difficult times, one that helped me
realize my full potential, and one that help me realize whom I want to be when I
grow up. I have experience so much pain
that I think complaining about it pains others, I have experienced love, have
loved and possible believed in true love.
On the other hand, maybe I have not. However, I do know that it does exist in so
many different forms.
I have always
spoke my mind, but carefully failed to speak the truth at times. I have listened to others and then tuned them
out in the same breath. I have envied
those who can love without caution but always cautioned when it comes to loving
someone. The easiest form of my love
comes in a 5-year-old package. She makes
it so easy to remember how to love truly, madly, deeply. I used to be anxious about myself in regards
to my own confidence and that problem slowly faded when I was introduced to a
paperclip. I never knew that such a
small piece of metal could truly represent so much meaning for everything.
I owe Mister Tony Meryhew for showing me how
to keep myself together and not crumble in front of others. I am not perfect by any means and I have definitely
crumbled to my knees, but most people do not know the real me.
One may believe in
never giving up; however, we are so good at lying to ourselves. I’ll be the first to admit that, even if I
don’t want to believe it. I am the
person who puts others before me, the one that is always worried about what
people think.
The one who hates being
alone, the one who absolutely believes that her daughter is the most important
gift I have ever received. I am the one
who believes that I was meant to do important things in this world. I am also aware that I am the biggest bull
shitter I know. What does that say about
me? I don’t bullshit the truth but I
monitor what is said to certain people, cause let’s be honest most people would
agree, they worry about what people think.
I will be as honest as you want me to be and as honest as I need to
be.
I’m a very loving person, who
doesn’t always feel loved, unless your name has the initials T.G.M. I’m the inconsistent friend who consistently
loves her friends and shares myself with them, when I have the time. Does that make me selfish or just a busy
person? I always think of others but
don’t always tell them that.
It takes a lot to look
within yourself and decide who it is that you really want to be. It’s very easy to look at others and pick
them apart in an instance, but it’s so much harder to stop lying to ourselves
about who we really are inside. Choices
in life define who we are, not someone else.
Regardless that we have people who we look up to and want to be like,
you should only be who you are suppose to be because of YOU. I have often felt of myself as an
inconsistent Wallflower. I once wrote a
poem about being a Wallflower and I wrote it because I wanted to know who I
really was. This poem helped me realize
who I was and who I wanted to be. I want
to be that person who never stops trying, who gets up from falling flat on my
face and say, “Well that sucked, i'm a little bruised, but I’ll make it through.” Everyone is caught up in their own misery and
I’ve have had my fair share of self-inflicted misery. However, I firmly believe I will SURVIVE; I
just need to continue to believe that; even in my weakest moments.
Most would think I am
silly to introduce my little piece of metal as my holding ground for survival. My little piece of compromise, my little piece
that holds shit together. I could pick
up a paper clip out of the nasty garbage and still find the beauty that it
represents.
I look at you and
realize that I can be no more than what I choose to be. I know how to hold my tears up and only show
them to those who deserve them. I know
how to be AMAZING only when I choose to be.
I know how to be loved when I allow it, but rarely feel worthy of that
love. I know how to give up and let go,
but do not feel it wise to let go that easy and really don’t feel that I have
too. I look at you and want to be a
better Me. I look at you and want to be
your Paperclip, because no matter how bad it gets, no matter how hurt, sad, or
lonely I get. That little piece of metal
holds me together. I want to be that for
you. I want to be your Paperclip when I grow
up. Don't ever change who you are, NEVER and always remember that I WILL ALWAYS want to BE YOUR PAPERCLIP< ALWAYS>
