I want to be your PaperClip

This is a blog years in the making, and when I say years I am talking 10+.  I have always had a quirky sense of reality, one in which included my own sense of flare. 

One that carried me through the most difficult times, one that helped me realize my full potential, and one that help me realize whom I want to be when I grow up.  I have experience so much pain that I think complaining about it pains others, I have experienced love, have loved and possible believed in true love.  On the other hand, maybe I have not.  However, I do know that it does exist in so many different forms. 

 

 I have always spoke my mind, but carefully failed to speak the truth at times.  I have listened to others and then tuned them out in the same breath.  I have envied those who can love without caution but always cautioned when it comes to loving someone.  The easiest form of my love comes in a 5-year-old package.  She makes it so easy to remember how to love truly, madly, deeply.  I used to be anxious about myself in regards to my own confidence and that problem slowly faded when I was introduced to a paperclip.  I never knew that such a small piece of metal could truly represent so much meaning for everything. 

 

I owe Mister Tony Meryhew for showing me how to keep myself together and not crumble in front of others.  I am not perfect by any means and I have definitely crumbled to my knees, but most people do not know the real me.

One may believe in never giving up; however, we are so good at lying to ourselves.  I’ll be the first to admit that, even if I don’t want to believe it.  I am the person who puts others before me, the one that is always worried about what people think. 

 

The one who hates being alone, the one who absolutely believes that her daughter is the most important gift I have ever received.  I am the one who believes that I was meant to do important things in this world.  I am also aware that I am the biggest bull shitter I know.  What does that say about me?  I don’t bullshit the truth but I monitor what is said to certain people, cause let’s be honest most people would agree, they worry about what people think.  I will be as honest as you want me to be and as honest as I need to be. 

 

I’m a very loving person, who doesn’t always feel loved, unless your name has the initials T.G.M.  I’m the inconsistent friend who consistently loves her friends and shares myself with them, when I have the time.  Does that make me selfish or just a busy person?  I always think of others but don’t always tell them that.

It takes a lot to look within yourself and decide who it is that you really want to be.  It’s very easy to look at others and pick them apart in an instance, but it’s so much harder to stop lying to ourselves about who we really are inside.  Choices in life define who we are, not someone else. 

 

Regardless that we have people who we look up to and want to be like, you should only be who you are suppose to be because of YOU.  I have often felt of myself as an inconsistent Wallflower.  I once wrote a poem about being a Wallflower and I wrote it because I wanted to know who I really was.  This poem helped me realize who I was and who I wanted to be.  I want to be that person who never stops trying, who gets up from falling flat on my face and say, “Well that sucked, i'm a little bruised, but I’ll make it through.”  Everyone is caught up in their own misery and I’ve have had my fair share of self-inflicted misery.  However, I firmly believe I will SURVIVE; I just need to continue to believe that; even in my weakest moments.

 

Most would think I am silly to introduce my little piece of metal as my holding ground for survival.  My little piece of compromise, my little piece that holds shit together.  I could pick up a paper clip out of the nasty garbage and still find the beauty that it represents.

I look at you and realize that I can be no more than what I choose to be.  I know how to hold my tears up and only show them to those who deserve them.  I know how to be AMAZING only when I choose to be. 

 

I know how to be loved when I allow it, but rarely feel worthy of that love.  I know how to give up and let go, but do not feel it wise to let go that easy and really don’t feel that I have too.  I look at you and want to be a better Me.  I look at you and want to be your Paperclip, because no matter how bad it gets, no matter how hurt, sad, or lonely I get.  That little piece of metal holds me together.  I want to be that for you.  I want to be your Paperclip when I grow up. Don't ever change who you are, NEVER and always remember that I WILL ALWAYS want to BE YOUR PAPERCLIP< ALWAYS>