I'm sic of feeling like I'm being ShiT on!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I whine, I know I whine, however I'm sick of feeling like I’m not good enough to be happy.

I know I’m no saint, I’m not perfect and  heaven knows I’ve made huge mistakes,  but Damn’it this Karma truck has done run my ass over hundreds of times and I think I deserve a break.  I have worked my ass off trying to be a better person over the last 3 years, and it seems like shit just never changes.  The sad part about my rant is, I feel guilty writing it, I feel like I shouldn’t be WHINING over petty life stuff, things could always be worse. 

 

 

That’s true things could always be worse but for today, I’m throwing me a pity of words fest and by all means, this isn’t a cry for attention, this isn’t a feel bad for Hayley post, This is ME and I’m sick of feeling like I CANT catch a break.  I want to be a good role model for my daughter; I want to provide her with stability.

 

I want her to know that life is full of decisions that will effect so many obstacles that she will face, I want her to know that she will fail, but she will supersede that with everything you will accomplish, and I want her to know it OK to make Mistakes, your HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I just want her to not pay for the choice/mistakes I’ve made. 

My brain wants to hear the words of Marvin Gay singing My Girl, “ I’ve got Sunshine on a Cloudy Day……..” instead of James Carr, These ain’t Raindrops.  

“These ain't raindrops in my eyes, baby
That I wipe away
If you tell me you love me
Everything will be okay, now
If i thought that you had loved me
I would wait, I would wait a million years

These ain't raindrops in my eyes
These ain't raindrops in my eyes
They are tears
Oh, now, oh

Ain't no times I've been to heaven
so how can there be rain?
The man up there, he knows just how i feel

How will I face tomorrow
And all the lonely lonely lonely lonely years”

 But why would that happen, it’s not like I’m sooooooooooooooooooo amazing that I couldn’t have it all.  Shit why not though, I feel like I deserve it, I want to feel Loved.  Call me crazy there is something so comforting knowing that another person loves you, and not a friend love, not an child love, a connected love with a soul who truly cares and loves you for WHO YOU ARE, NO ONE ELSE. 

SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO  Where are you, I haven’t really looked, because when you go searching for someone, you’ll spend eternity trying to find them,  I’ve told myself not to want someone, because like Bono say’s “when the Soul wants, the Soul waits”  I’ve tried convincing myself that I’ll be perfectly happy alone, but that’s a crock of shit,  I’ve told myself give it time, honestly I’ve been single for 3 years, I think it’s time for me to feel loved, I’m just saying. 

 I’m tired of complaining; my conscience is kicking in and telling me to shut up. I feel that telling all my loved ones how I feel sounds more like gripping and bitching, and I feel that telling my friends the full truth about stuff while prevent me from keeping some of myself private, and I feel like telling someone how you feel is the dumbest thing you could ever do, liberating: HA my Ass.

Scary and stupid, because right then, the minute you do that, you give all of you just to have someone SHIT on your little bit of Hope, and Hope is shit anyway.  Hope leads to expectations, and that always leads to disappointment.  I’m sick of being disappointed. It’s pretty hard to hold everything in all the time and keep a sarcastic scorn on my face.  Seriously can I get a Break?  I just want to feel worthy of love. I’m ready to start praising the words of Jackie Wilson’s Higher and Higher,

‘You know your love (your love keeps liftin' me)
Keeps on liftin' (your love keeps liftin' me)
Higher (liftin' me, liftin' me), higher, and higher (higher)
I said your love (your love keeps liftin' me)
Keeps on (liftin' me, liftin' me)
Liftin' me (liftin' me) higher and higher (higher)

the great thing about rants, is that they are consistently inconsistently and jump from one thing to the next and honestly i feel like my life has just been jumping from one thing to the next, Ive moved 6 times in the last 3 years, searching for a place to feel like home, and yet here i sit in Kosovo, further away from anything remotely close to feeling home. 

 

 I need to start over fresh.  February couldn't come any faster, i just want to be home and start over with my little one, we deserve complete happiness, it's just hard to give that to her completely.  So here's to me being Happier for myself to give more happiness to Her.